Ryoga Escapes from Hades
by humillimus
Summary: Ryoga dies and goes to the Netherworld where he must fight to get out so he may find his way back to Japan.


This work is rated PG for mild language and mild violence.

"Ryoga Escapes from Hades" by humillimus

Ranma, Ryoga, Nabiki, Shampoo and Akane decided to go on a picnic outing at the park, and Akane prepared the food. Despite the wonderfully prepared meal, most of the group suddenly felt ill and unable to eat, much to Akane's dismay. Ryoga, however, was famished due to having gone twenty days without food because he had gone to the Tendo's house and got lost in Moscow on the way, and so he ate the food anyway. He decided to take a short ten minute walk and then come back to rejoin the group. Ten hours later, still lost, he started having strange cramps, and he felt faint; so he decided to take a nap.

The next morning he awoke with a hot-foot. In fact, his whole self felt unusually warm for the middle of summer. Looking about himself, he wondered how the entire neighbourhood of whatever strange city this was had caught fire. He stopped a local passer-by, who happened to be goth in the extreme, and asked, "Could you direct me to Japan?"

"Ha ha ha!" he laughed, "Many people have asked me how to get out, but never have I had somebody just casually ask how to get to Japan."

"Well, do you know the way?"

The daemon looked at Ryoga squarely and then said with a wink, "Hmm, I like you. If you'd like to be taken anywhere, you'll want to talk to that gentleman over there. In fact, I've been sent to take you to him!" Ryoga followed his new friend the daemon to a very large but not so menacing creature. Finally there, Ryoga found himself face-to-face--or rather, face-to-lower-belly--with a thirty-foot tall cute, pink bunny with fangs. Turning around, he realized that the local goth had left, and Ryoga would never see him again.

The bunny said, "Hello. Delicious damned soul. How are you?"

"Eh..."

"Welcome to. Hell. I am. Big Bunny, Phantom. Lieutenant. And Guardian of. Hell."

"Hell!" exclaimed Ryoga! "Now I'll never find my way back to Japan. So this is Hell, eh? I'll be...!"

"Ha. Ha. Ha," said Big Bunny, "You are very. Funny."

Ryoga scratched his head and asked, "Say, what are you, a bunny, doing here anyway? Isn't there supposed to be a three-headed dog or something?"

"Well," responded the bunny, "Cerberus used to. Be the crunchy Guardian of Hell. But. Cerberus is not here. Anymore. So tasty Lord Lucifer. Put me in charge of the. Gates of Hell. That reminds. Me. Have you ever heard the story. About the Delicious Hell Hound?"

Ignoring him, Ryoga demanded, "Somebody said you could point me to Japan. What's the best way?"

Intent on airing his story, Big Bunny began, "'The Delicious Hell Hound.' There once was a yummy, multi-headed. Dog who liked to. Roam Hades..."

After several minutes of droning, Big Bunny finally completed his tale about the Delicious Hell Hound. Ryoga, starting to loose his temper, demanded, "Tell me, Big Bunny, how do I get out of here and back to Japan?"

"Oh. Did you want. To go. To Japan? I do not think that it. Is possible. But if you would. Like to keep me company. That would be. Nice. I always like to have. Scrumptious. Friends. That I can talk to and eat. Uh, with."

Realizing the baka of a bunny would be of no help, Ryoga started back whence he came, but found that passage blocked by a new rock wall that apparently had been erected whilst Big Bunny and Ryoga were gabbing. The only thing left to do, of course, was to continue forward. Ryoga went the only direction he could go: through the Gates of Hell.

"Wait!" shouted Big Bunny, "Do not. Go yet, crunchy damned. Soul! Well, good. Bye. Eat lots of. Tempura!"

As he trudged along through hell in the acute heat, he found himself extremely parched. He knew the temperature had to be at least 100 degrees C. After countless hours, he came upon an oasis of gold: Styx's Ice Cold Water stand! He ran up to it and demanded of the daemon to give him water immediately.

"Very good, sir," answered the clerk, "One bottle of water will cost you only ¥301. Here you are!" The daemon handed Ryoga the water and put out his other hand for the payment. Ryoga searched his pockets and handed the clerk all his money. "Eh!" shouted the daemon as he snatched back the ice-cold beverage, "This is only ¥300! I'm afraid that won't be enough.

"But this is all I have! Give me the water."

"Nothing doing. Come back when you have more money."

"Kimi….  Well then, where can I get that one extra yen you need?"

"Go to the Awful House two blocks to the south. They'll gladly give you a job—you may work as long or as little as you like."

So naturally Ryoga set off to the north to find said Awful House where he would be set to work as a short-order cook. Some time later, lost and desperate for money, he stopped in front of a place with a sign reading "Servant wanted: male". He walked inside, and before he could say a word, awaiting daemons gave him a sledgehammer and one very menacing looking character said to him, "Welcome ta Slaughter House. Yer job is ta take care of the pigs that're gonna be served at Lord Lucifer's banquet. Yer not invited, a course. Have at it!" He gave Ryoga a spine-breaking slap on the back that sent him sprawling into a rather large room where the swine were kept. Ryoga nearly vomited at the vile task set for him. 

The following scene will not be recounted, as it involves bloody violence that does not need to be described. About an hour later, a great grunt grabbed the sweaty Ryoga and said, "That'll do, donkey. Here's yer pay."

At first Ryoga scowled, but then his eyes swelled with joy when the he saw the daemon dish out £600.01. The lad ran out of Slaughter House and back to the water stand and demanded water. "I'll pay in pounds sterling, yo!" he exclaimed.

"Very well," said the clerk amiably, "That'll be only £645."

"NANDA! But it's only ¥301, you toad!"

The daemon shook his finger and reproached, "Temper, temper. £645 or ¥301, whichever you can pay, but I do not accept mixed currencies. Go to a bank or money changer, if you must!"

Ryoga grumbled and turned around to face a building of beautiful white marble—well, it were beautiful had it not been painted black—Hell National Bank. "That's odd," said Ryoga, "I could have sworn that wasn't there before." He walked into the bank only to find a very long line—like night-before-the-opening-of-Star-Wars-Episode-I long. 

Finally having gotten though the line, and having lost his temper, he came to a teller and he asked for a change of pounds sterling to yen. "Very good, sir. It's 1.5 pounds to the yen, sir." 

Ryoga gaped. He wanted to pummel the teller, but his thirst overruled his mind. "Here's six-hundred pounds and one p. Gimme the four-hundred yen!" 

Ryoga, nearly dead from dehydration and heat exhaustion, but yet not so because he was already dead anyway, dashed to the water stand. "Here!" He shouted as he thrust ¥301 into the little daemons hand, "Now give me the water!"

"I'm sorry, sir," he replied cordially, "but that's not quite enough. I'm afraid the price has increased to ¥401." 

Needless to say, Ryoga was not exactly happy. Flames of hell burned in his eyes and wrath pulsed through his veins. Ryoga blasted the daemon and the cart, sending them fifty yards away. Ryoga quickly grabbed and opened one of the flying bottles and started to drink with ecstasy. Before a drop could reach his mouth, the daemon regained his own composure and knocked the bottle out of Ryoga's hands with a random projectile. To make matters worse, this cold water spilt onto Ryoga, and he found himself a bit small for his clothes. The heat was so immense that the water evaporated before it could turn him back into his old self. This little black pig squealed with ire.

The quite peeved pig set off down the road in search of hot water and something to destroy. He tried tea and coffee houses, but he found that they had no water. He chose not to think about what made their tea and coffee liquid. He tried swimming pools and public baths, but that proved futile because there were none. He searched and searched, and yet still he could find no source of hot water. 

Then, gasping, he looked up from where he lay and read "_Lord Lucifer's Private Bathhouse: no admittance_." He rushed inside, past the guards who were taken by surprise. No pig had ever escaped Slaughter House, so naturally no pig could be there. "Halt!" shouted a guard after getting over the initial shock of a loose pig and a break-in and starting to chase him, "Only Lord Lucifer himself is allowed inside! Your punishment will double when—" but he stopped short and Ryoga dived into a pool of steaming water and turned back into his old self, sans clothing.

The guard did not stop, however, because Ryoga transformed into a human soul. Rising from the hot pool was a massive, but not frightening, figure. He was a creature of great beauty, both bishojo and bishonen at the same time; for daemons of course are sexless. Any would be astonished at the magnificence of his beauty. He was none other than Lucifer himself. "Out!" he commanded the guard who immediately bowed and obeyed, "I shall deal with him myself." Turning to Ryoga, he said, "Now, little piggy, wherefore are you come?"

"Kisama…" Ryoga started, "You must be Lucifer. You're in charge here. Tell me, how can I get out of here?"

"How can you get out of where? The bathhouse? That should easy enough, even for a directionally challenged simpleton like you. Simply go through the doors whence you came. But no, you may not go that way. You must first—"

"Out of Hell, you dolt! Let me out of here NOW!"

Lucifer was shocked at being talked back to. "Well, well, well, feisty, are we not?" he said. Lucifer grabbed Ryoga by the neck and threw him against a nearby wall and continued, "You will have to learn some manners, young pig."

Ryoga rolled up his sleeves and offered parley of sorts. "Let us make a deal, Lucy."

"Oh, a deal, then? What have you in mind, wee pig?"

"Let us fight. If I win, you show me the way out. If I lose, then you may do with me as you will."

Lucifer thought for a minute and then said, "Hmmm, that could be fun. I shall win, of course. Nobody has ever beaten me. Then I shall do with you as I please, which I would have anyway. This will be an added bonus for me. Thanks for the offer." To Ryoga's astonishment, Lucifer underwent a transformation sequence. "Lucifer-mon, digivolve into Satan-mon!" he shouted. The room seemed to spin (or was it Lucifer?) until this once beautiful daemon became the all too familiar great, ugly, intimidating beast with horns, fiery eyes and fangs of doom, the kings of daemons. 

Kick! Punch! Blast! Block! The two fighters battled harshly, Satan blocking all of Ryoga's techniques and matching blow for blow. When Ryoga in increase speed, Satan would increase speed. When he would slow, Satan would slow. Yet whilst Ryoga, already parched beyond reason, grew ever more tired, Satan did not even break a sweat, and he was even smiling. "Ha ha ha! Do you give up, weak pig?"

"No… I… will… defeat… you!" yelled Ryoga. He paused and then pointed and shouted, "Look, ¥100!"

"Ha!" responded Satan, "That never works."

Ryoga wondered how he could possibly defeat Satan. Never had he battled such a powerful foe, and never would he again. "Jesus!" he spat.

"What, where?!" cried Satan as he spun about. Ryoga took this rare opportunity to smash Satan square on the head with a hammer-fist. Satan fell to the floor and despaired. "You bloody cheat! Well, you actually defeated me. I shall show you the way out, but you must never tell anyone that you defeated me. They would never believe it anyway.

Ryoga rose from his sleeping place near the park and realized that he was back in Japan. No longer thirsty and no longer missing his clothes, he walked the streets with no more care than ever. Soon he found himself face-to-face with a Panda who was holding a sign that said, "Hey, Ryoga. Where've you been?"

"Oh, Anime Weekend Atlanta," he casually responded.

FIN

I hope you all enjoyed the little fic. It originally was going to be a completely original work and not a fanfic, but then I threw in Ryoga to make it into a fanfiction and I decided that I liked it. So there you go.

I dedicate it to Rhapsody whom I love dearly but who was in no way an inspiration for this particular work. 

The _Ranma ½_ cast, including of course Ryoga, do not belong to me. Big Bunny also does not belong to me. _Big Bunny_ was created and is copyrighted ©2001 by Amy Winfrey. http://big-bunny.com. Hell and Lucifer/ Satan also do not belong to me. Darn skippy!


End file.
